Monday, May 20, 2013

let's get serious for a minute

after being offered a job that i was really excited about starting, it was revoked. it was not the fault of the person who hired me, but of corporate politics and a bad economy. unfortunately, i had already quit a part time job i was working and cancelled and got refunds for all the steps i had begun for the business i was starting. this one is for all the people that think i'm "taking everything so well" and that i have a "wonderful attitude" through it all. you can't see the tears streaming down my face as i post some of these positive things to the internet.

it's also to the people that think they can't take another day of whatever it is they are going through. hold on. i'm not going to say it gets better because i'm not sure i believe that. i mean, it will get better, but let's be honest, it's fleeting, it's gonna get bad again, too. we've just got to try and not get too wrapped up in either side of the curve.

i'm writing this as i'm coming off of about a month long depression. that's essentially losing a month of my life because every waking moment meant misery. yes, i've had a few distractions through it and maintained fairly well at them, but for the most part it meant crying uncontrollably while being physically unable to get myself off the couch. i would talk to myself and tell myself i needed to get up and do something, anything and i would muster up enough energy to stand up. and where would i go? to bed. that was my life for a month. bed to couch to bed and back again. just getting from room to room was a struggle.

if you don't suffer from depression let me try and explain it. it's a dam really. my "normal" days mean my dam is doing its job. i can put everything behind that dam and live a decent life with a husband who adores me and i adore just the same. but then with the snap of a finger something happens. one morning you wake up and realize your dam broke. i'm not talking a hole that you can patch where water is just trickling out (after all, that happens even when the dam is working), i'm talking your dam is completely fucked, gone, like it never existed. so everything you've been putting behind that dam, all the hateful thoughts toward yourself, all the insecurities, all the doubts, all the mistakes you've made and irrationalities you've dammed up all come rushing at you like a tsunami. there's no where to go. you're stuck taking the full force of it and it knocks you right off your fucking feet.

depression is not someone being sad. depression is not something someone can snap out of. depression is not someone trying to get sympathy. depression is all consuming. depression hurts both mentally and physically. it comes with headaches, nausea, loss of appetite and literal aches and pains. your body feels 100 times heavier than normal and moving your appendages takes intense effort. it hurts, too to know how much you are hurting others around you. the last thing i ever want to do is hurt anyone else, especially my husband.

thankfully i have a very supportive husband that understands what i go through and offers his love and support. i haven't been that lucky in all my relationships. i've been called crazy more times than i can count and i'm sure a lot of you have, too. we're not crazy. we're not. our brains just work differently and sometimes it skips a cog and breaks down for a bit until the gears get lined up again.
but, i have to say, i realized something. if there is anything good about depression it's this: when the fog of your head clears, you are re-born in a sense. you get to see and feel and taste and hear things that you haven't in a month or a week or...
i took a walk. a long walk. i am fortunate enough to live at the beach and i walked from my apartment through our natural wetlands wildlife sanctuary to the ocean and back. along my way i noticed the cactus blooming and realized how i could relate to that. here is this thorny, scary looking plant with the most beautiful blossom growing off of it. that's how i feel. my bloom is in there, but i have to endure all these sharp needles to get through to it. sometimes it takes a couple of days and sometimes the growth is so thick it takes a whole month.

so, i don't know if this has helped anybody or made any sense to anybody, but i hope so. it's been hard for me to even post it. depression is one of those things you're not supposed to talk about. how moronic is that? one of the best things you can do for depression is talk about it. if you are the one struggling with depression, please hold on. it will pass and you will get to experience all the wonderful things again if only for a while until your next episode. cherish those moments, but don't get so wrapped up in them that you think it will always be that way. continue to take your meds, be cautious and don't have false hopes that it's magically going to get better and you'll never be in that situation again, but also take the time to enjoy the happiness while you have it. and if you have never struggled with depression, i hope maybe you understand a little more what someone you love may be going through. don't take it personally. it's not about you, it's about them.

now go hug somebody.